hannahlynn93's Blog

So as I said in the previous post I'm working on improving my self image.  I have stuck good to not purging but it has been hard.  I do good most of the day but I am a waitress on second shift while attending school.  This means that I eat my dinner around 2 in the afternoon and work til 9 or 10 without eating.  Once I get home I am incredibly hungry and eat right before going to bed.  I really don't like doing that, but I don't have the chance to eat while working and I get so hungry.  Does anyone have any advice to help me?
I am proud of my self for going several days without purging, I just wish I could be happy with what I saw in the mirror.  It's a start and hopefully I keep at it.

I'm new to the blogging thing. I'm giving this a shot in order to work on my self and become a better, healthier person. I have trouble talking to people about things, so maybe expressing myself to strangers will help me. I'm not looking for people to judge or criticize me. I am on here in order to express myself and try to overcome my issues.
Here it goes...
I have been dealing with self image issues and eating disorders since I was in high school. It's been going on for about 3 or more years. After middle school I was struggling with some depression issues (that's and ENTIRELY different story) and gained a lot of weight. Once I became a Junior I was starting to have big issues with my weight. (partly a result of the guy I was dating and some other reasons) I was an athlete and was surrounded by skinny girls. It started out by skipping breakfast. Then I'd skip lunch. In my head I wouldn't feel hungry because I didn't WANT to feel hungry. I started losing weight like crazy. I got down to a weight that was probably healthy for my height, but I didn't even notice. I still saw that chubby girl in the mirror. Senior year was worse. My times for track were a lot better and I was able to seriously compete in meets and did really well. I felt like I had self worth because I was proud of my success. My eating habits hadn't changed. I was running so many miles a day and hardly eating. I dropped a lot more weight. The summer before college I was actually happy with how I looked. I didn't cringe when my boyfriend touched my sides (my love handles were gone!), I didn't wear baggy clothes anymore. I felt good for once. My eating habits still weren't healthy, but they had improved. I went to college and spent so much of my free time at the rec. I also played rugby. I began to eat pretty healthy and work out in a healthier manner. Looking back, that was such a good and happy time. I had also gotten out of an unhealthy relationship and felt like I got a new start away from all of the bad things. That didn't last....
I got ill with mono my freshman year. It was really bad. I had to be hospitalized for a while and I was dangerously ill. When I started to recover I encountered more health issues. To treat them I was put on prednizone (a steroid) for about 6 months. I gained weight like CRAZY on it (side effect). I became desperate to lose the weight. The gym wasn't an option because of health issues. I became bulimic. I would throw up almost every meal. Sometimes so much that blood would start to come up as well. That has been going on for a while. It still is. I am able to work out again and have been for about 1.5 months. I have noticed a difference in muscle tone in my body but I still can't stand to see my reflection in a mirror. I just want to be happy again. Certain things have happened and I am at a point where I want to overcome my depression and my issues. The problem is figuring out how to do it. I am a very private person. o one knows about this struggle. I don't have anyone in my life I am willing to talk about this with. I know that I need to change, and talking about it will help. That is why I am turning to this blog. I want to express myself in order to work on myself. Maybe I can also help someone out there who is dealing with similar issues. Here it goes. I'll post more about my experiences on my road to healthiness as they come.